(premiered in Paris, 1875)
[Trigger warnings: domestic violence, rape, animal cruelty]
DON JOSÉ "nice guy" who is also the protagonist, for some reason CARMEN young woman from "Bohemia", because heaven forbid anyone should try to actually learn anything about the Roma (hint: they're not actually from Bohemia) ESCAMILLO bullfighter guy MERCEDES friend of Carmen FIAT friend of Carmen (plus a half dozen other people I'm just going to leave out. cope.)
(Yes, skipping ahead because (1) I'm lazy as shit and (2) this suffices to cover everything that matters in this opera.) [Street outside of the bullfighting arena in Seville, circa 1820. A parade is in progress] CHORUS: Yay, we love parades! [various floats go by.] CHORUS: Oh look, there's the matador! [enter ESCAMILLO. cue Famous Toreador Song.] ESCAMILLO: Hey, everybody. To impress you with my bravery, I'm going to torture a large, dangerous animal to death. Except it won't be that dangerous because it will already be mostly bleeding out due to having been ripped up and crippled by several other guys with swords. So the chances that it will, like, actually hurt me are vastly reduced. But you never know. Could be exciting! AUDIENCE: ... ESCAMILLO: Welcome to Spain! AUDIENCE: ... ESCAMILLO: The best part is how I will somehow manage not to be the most barbaric guy in this opera. [CARMEN, MERCEDES, and FIAT emerge from the crowd. CARMEN walks up to ESCAMILLO.] ESCAMILLO: Hey, girlfriend. [they embrace, kiss] Meet up at my place afterwards? CARMEN: You betcha. Go do your thing. ESCAMILLO: Ok, bye now. [exits into the arena] MERCEDES [to CARMEN]: You're not going in? CARMEN: Apparently, bullfighters don't get comps. Doesn't matter really. I think I already know how it's going to end. FIAT: You gonna be okay out here? There have been Don José sightings. CARMEN: Relax, I'll be fine. [exeunt everyone except CARMEN.]
[a short while later. CARMEN is still completely alone in the street.] [enter DON JOSÉ.] DON JOSÉ: I love you. Come away with me. CARMEN: Dude, it's over. It's been over for a while. You need to get a life now. DON JOSÉ: But I've planned my life around you. CARMEN: That was never going to happen. And you knew that up front because I fucking told you. DON JOSÉ [grabbing her]: But I love you. CARMEN [wrenching herself free]: No means no, dipshit. [they struggle]: CARMEN: Fuck off. SOMEBODY! HELP! DON JOSÉ: If I can't have you, no one can. [grabs CARMEN by the neck, strangles her, she falls to the ground.] Shit. [feels for pulse; yes, she's actually dead.] Ok, I suck. [pulls out gun; shoots himself] [Curtain] AUDIENCE: Uhh... That was romantic. [Yeah, it was, wasn't it?] AHOC AUDIENCE: So, um. We thought this was going to be funny. [Yeah, sorry. Not really doing funny today. Well, all right, the other girlfriend character was not actually named FIAT. I came up with that all by myself. Clever, eh? If you need more humor, you can try looking up Article 242 of the French Penal Code, the one about "Crimes of Passion", in which Don José gets off with a light sentence, Because, you know, justifiable homicide. And that didn't get repealed until, … wait for it, … 1975. ] AHOC AUDIENCE: ... [The Belgian version went away in 1997.] [Stupid fucking Napoleonic-Law Countries, amirite? ] AHOC AUDIENCE: Why are we getting a bad feeling about this? [United Kingdom: 2010. Sort of.] [Don't even get me started on the US. Check out Georgia sometime. Or, better yet, don't. ]
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