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Asshat Opera Company presents: Das Rheingold (Rhinegold) 
4th-Sep-2005 04:26 am
toyz
Yes, I had to go do another one of these; it's probably worse than the the last one. You have been warned.

Dramatis Personae

  WOGLINDE, WELLGUNDE, FLOSSHILDE   Rhinemaidens (daughters of the River)
  ALBERICH       a dwarf (soon to be CEO and Chairman of the Board, Niebelheim)
  WOTAN (Odin)   Head God dude (complete with eyepatch, Spear, and ravens)
  FRICKA         his wife, Goddess of Marriage, Home, Knitting, and Tea Cozies
  FREIA          her sister, Goddess of Love, Fertility, and Leather Swimwear
  DONNER (Thor)  her brother, God of Thunder
  FROH           his brother, God of Rainbows (no, really)
  FASOLT, FAFNER the Giants
  LOGE (Loki)    God of Fire and General Mischief
  MIME           Alberich's brother and VP Advanced Technology
  ERDA           Goddess of the Earth, mother of, well, everything

The Act

(Yes, there's only one of these. Meaning no intermissions. Take your bathroom break now.)

Scene 1

[Orchestra begins with the longest Eb in Western music;
 at least one horn player dies of asphyxiation before it's complete.
 We then layer on the "Nature" motif and the "Rushing Water / Rhine" motif,
 until finally the curtain opens and we see ...]

[The Rhine, from the fish point of view.
 As in underwater.]

[RHINEMAIDENS on wires are swimming/flying around.]

WOGLINDE:
    Swim, swim, swim, fun, swim, fun!  

FLOSSHILDE:
    I'm the smart one.

WELLGUNDE:
    I'm the sweet one.

WOGLINDE:
    I'm the skanky one.

WELLGUNDE:
    Wheee!  [flips around 27 times]
    Hey, I know!  Let's play "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"!

WOGLINDE:
    Ugh, not again.

ALBERICH [crawling out from under a rock]:
    Hubba hubba.

FLOSSHILDE:
    Uh, oh.  Whose turn was it to change the dwarf trap?

ALBERICH:
    How about y'all coming back to my Love Pad for a little 3-on-1 action?

FLOSSHILDE:
    Hostile work environment, sign me up!

WELLGUNDE:
    Actually, he really is kinda cute in that grubby,
    acne-ridden, asthmatic, stunted dwarf kind of way.

FLOSSHILDE:
    You might need to get out more.

WOGLINDE:
    Hey, I have an idea:  Let's tease him mercilessly.

WELLGUNDE:
    That should be fun.

FLOSSHILDE:
    This should end well.

[Begin carefully choreographed Teasing Sequence 
 in which ALBERICH attempts to approach each RHINEMAIDEN in turn.
 Each swims away and laughs at him in time to the music,
 which, for some reason, is far more annoying than regular laughter.]

ALBERICH:
    This is decidedly Not Fair.  
    I have to clamber around on rocks while
    you get to fly around in those harness thingies.

WOGLINDE:
    Sorry, but they only made three of them, they're very expensive,
    and it takes weeks of training to be able to use them properly.

WELLGUNDE [pointing up]:
    Hey look at that!

[Orchestra starts playing the "Oooo Shiny!" motif.]

WOGLINDE:
    The sun is coming out.

[Spotlight on the Rhinegold. 
 Cue the "Yay, Rhinegold!" motif.]

WOGLINDE, WELLGUNDE & FLOSSHILDE [chorus]:
    It's the Rhinegold!
    Yay, Rhinegold!  
    Rhinegold yay!  
    Hooray for the Rhinegold!

ALBERICH:
    WTFF?

WOGLINDE:
    It's the Rhinegold!

ALBERICH:
    And I should care, why?

FLOSSHILDE:
    I guess he has been living under a rock.

WELLGUNDE:
    It's Rilly Special Gold, see?
    Anyone who's willing to renounce love...

[Cue "Renunciation of Love" motif.]

WELLGUNDE:
    ... can forge it into a powerful magic ring ...

[Cue the "Ring" motif.]

WELLGUNDE:
    ... which can then be used to take over the world.

[Cue the "Starbucks Coffee" motif.]

FLOSSHILDE:
    Oh good.  Maybe he should have complete instructions, then?

WELLGUNDE:
    All taken care of.  Just go to http://linuxdocs.org and
    download the HOW-TO on Magic Rings of World Domination.

FLOSSHILDE:
    Ahem.

WELLGUNDE:
    Well, okay, you also need a kernel source distribution.
    But recompiling the Linux kernel is easy and fun!

FLOSSHILDE:
    Ahem.

WELLGUNDE:
    Of course that's why we're here in the first place, 
    because Daddy told us to stand watch 
    and make sure nobody comes along to actually do this.

FLOSSHILDE:
    I think I need to bitchslap you into next Tuesday.

WOGLINDE:
    What's the problem?  
    It's renouncing love that's the hard part, 
    and ol' Blue Balls here ain't gonna do that.

ALBERICH:
    So let me get this straight:
    All I have to do is stand up and say,
    "I hereby renounce love."

WELLGUNDE:
    You have to wait for the orchestra 
    so that the audience knows you really mean it.

[Cue "Renunciation of Love" motif.]

ALBERICH:
    I hereby renounce love.

WELLGUNDE:
    Yeah, like that.

ALBERICH:
    And then I just take the gold [takes gold] and be on my way?

WELLGUNDE:
    Yup.

ALBERICH:
    All righty, then.
    [exits, jumping into hole with the gold.] 

WELLGUNDE:
    Wait, did we just fuck up, big time?

[Cue the "Short Answer: Yes" motif.]

[ALBERICH's maniacal laughter can be heard in the distance as
 FLOSSHILDE repeatedly bangs her head against a rock.
 The lights dim as the orchestra messes around with the 
 "Ring" motif, which eventually mutates into the "Vallhalla" motif
 in time for us to see...]

Scene 2

[Hillside.  WOTAN, king of the gods, is asleep.  
 FRICKA, his wife, sits beside him reading a stack of escrow documents.
 A freshly constructed castle can be seen in the background.]

WOTAN:
    [talking in his sleep while the "Valhalla" motif plays on]
    This is gonna rule.

FRICKA:
    Um, you already rule, dear.

    [holding up one of the papers]
    What the hell?

    [Stares at it some more]
    One (1) fertility goddess, mint condition!?

    [Shakes WOTAN]
    
WOTAN:
    [groggy] Whatwhat?

FRICKA:
    My sister is on the HUD-1 form.

WOTAN:
    ...

FRICKA:
    My sister is on the HUD-1 form.  [thrusts paper in WOTAN's face]
    You are about to tell me this is a mistake.

WOTAN [seeing castle]:
    Oh wow!  Check it out.  Yesss!

[Valhalla motif swells and momentarily drowns out everything else]

FRICKA:
    Dear, I'm about to go all Prometheus on your ass.

WOTAN:
    Wrong mythology, sorry.

[Cue "Freia is Running Away" motif. 
 Enter FREIA, running away.]

FREIA:
    Help!  Help!  The giants are after me!

DONNER [entering with Hammer held high]:
    I'll protect you, sister!

FROH [entering with Nozzle held high and hose trailing behind him]
    I'll protect you, sister!

DONNER [to FROH, looking pointedly at Nozzle]:
    Um ....

FROH:
    What?!

DONNER:
    Nothing.

WOTAN:
    That will be the last time I use First World Title.
    Complete screwups.

    "Oh, sorry, Mr. Wotan, sir, but we've had a lot of refinances to
    do this month and it's been very hectic around the office."

    I'll show them hectic.
    
FRICKA:
    Ah, so it is a mistake.

WOTAN:
    Damn straight.  Giants weren't supposed to get 
    anywhere near her until after they dropped off the keys.

FRICKA:
    You worthless piece of ...

WOTAN:
    Look, relax, will you?  Loge's going to fix everything.

FRICKA:
    Imagine my relief.

[Cue "They Might Be Giants" motif, 
 which is very loud and makes conversation impossible.
 The giants, FASOLT and FAFNER, enter, slowly and ponderously.  
 Twenty minutes later, they come to a halt in front of WOTAN.]

FASOLT:
    Hello.  I do believe closing is scheduled for today.
    Here are the keys.  And your payment appears to be in order.
    [eyes FREIA appreciatively]

WOTAN:
    Uh.  Not today, thanks.

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    Told you.

FASOLT:
    Is there a problem?

WOTAN:
    The dog ate my homework and the bus was late.

FAFNER:
    Not anything we need to worry about, then.
    RCW1 §27.5(c) is pretty clear:
    [reading from WOTAN's spear]
    "All properties listed on the HUD-1 transfer ownership 
    at 11:59pm on the day of closing,"
    which, as we agreed is  [pulls out his copy of the HUD-1]
    today, March 27, 4005 BCE.

(1 Revised Code of Wotan.)

[Cue the "Sanctity of Contracts:  Dartmouth College vs. Woodward" motif.]

WOTAN:
    Actually, there are so many things wrong with that, 
    I don't even know where to begin.

FAFNER:
    Hey, it's your Spear, your Law.
    You want to renege ...?

WOTAN:
    No, of course not.

[Cue "Wotan's Spear is The Law and Don't You Forget It" motif.]

WOTAN [to orchestra]:
    Not.
    Helping.

FASOLT:
    Then I guess we'll be going now...

DONNER:
    Don't worry, Freia!  We'll rescue you!
    [raises Hammer.  Cue "Everything is a Nail" motif.]
    My lightning will scorch their sorry asses.

FROH:
    [raises Nozzle]
    And I will rainbow them until they scream for mercy.

DONNER:
    Um,...

FROH:
    What?!

DONNER:
    Later.

[DONNER and FROH leap to attack the GIANTS.  
 WOTAN jumps in front of them interposing his Spear.]

WOTAN:
    No, no, no!  
    Rule of law, people.  Remember?

[WOTAN waits for Spear motif to reach the bottom of the scale,
 but since it's two octaves down, that takes a while.]

WOTAN:
    We are gods.  
    We do not just do shit because we feel like it.

LOGE [appearing in a blaze of fire and "Loge's Magic Fire" motif.]:
    We don't?

WOTAN:
    Fancy meeting you here.
    Not like we're up against a deadline or anything.

LOGE:
    Well, excuse me.  
    There was this castle someone wanted me to inspect.

WOTAN:
    And?

LOGE:
    It's very nice.

WOTAN:
    And?

LOGE:
    Solid foundation.  
    Good drainage.  
    Earthquake certified.  
    No insect problems.
    No roof leaks or other signs of water damage.  
    All new appliances and fixtures.
    Wiring all professional and up to code; 
    they did the CAT-5 just the way you wanted.

[Cue the "Sanctity of Contracts" motif.]

WOTAN:
    And?  [indicates FREIA]

LOGE:
    Well, if she's got her bags packed, I think we're all set.
    I was thinking maybe I could get the turret room
    with the northern exposure.

DONNER:
    Hey, no fair, that's my room.

WOTAN:
    Shut up.  Your big moment isn't until Scene 4.
    [to LOGE]
    You realize you're not going to enjoy it very much 
    once Fricka has broken all of your limbs.
    
LOGE:
    Ah, right.
    Actually I believe I have just the ploy you need.
    It's a very old trick but it nearly always works.

WOTAN:
    And that would be what, exactly?

LOGE:
    You offer the giants something of equal or greater perceived value
    and hope they accept it.

WOTAN:
    How splendidly devious.  And what do I offer, exactly?

LOGE:
    Fuck if I know.  

    Well, all right.  
    It just so happens that I was out on one of my 
    Search For Stuff That Can Substitute For Freia walks
    that I do every so often -- gotta keep in shape, you know -- 
    and I ran into these Rhinemaidens from Scene 1 who told me about
    this Alberich dwarf stealing their gold and using it to forge a
    magic ring that he can now use to make people do whatever he wants 
    and completely take over the entire universe including us.

    But the really important thing is that
    he has amassed huge piles of treasure...

FASOLT:
    Wait, did you say Alberich?  That prick!

FAFNER:
    Wait, did you say huge piles of treasure?

LOGE:
    Yesssss!  [hi-fives WOTAN]
    Am I good, or what?

FASOLT:
    Still, I think I'd rather have the babe.

LOGE:
    No, no.  You need to think more about treasure.

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    Too small.

FASOLT [to FAFNER]:
    What?

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    She is not a giant.  You will not be able to get it in.

FASOLT [to FAFNER]:
    What?

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    Oh, never mind.  I guess we have to keep this PG-13.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO KNOW WHAT'S COMING UP IN THE NEXT OPERA:
    Uhh...

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    See, Freia is not valuable to us in and of herself.
    She's just what we call a "bargaining chip".
    That's the point of this exercise.

FASOLT [to FAFNER]:
    I don't understand.

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    You'll see.

[Cue "Freia's Golden Apples" motif.]

FASOLT:
    Ohhhhhh.  Now I get it.  
    Thank you, orchestra.

[Cue "You're Welcome!" motif.]

WOTAN:
    So, let's see...
    You're agreeing to take Alberich's hoard of treasure 
    in place of Freia.

FAFNER:
    We'll wait and see what there is, 
    but that's the basic outline.

WOTAN:
    Funny how I'm supposed to pay you 
    with something that's not even mine.

FREIA:
    Umm....

WOTAN:
    Social engineering and wealth redistribution
    aren't really what I'm about, you understand.

FRICKA:
    Umm....

WOTAN [to FREIA and FRICKA]:
    What?

FREIA:
    Never mind.
    We could wait for you to catch a clue,
    but we're already at two hours with no intermissions.

FASOLT:
    I say we go with what's on the HUD-1 for now
    [takes FREIA's hand]
    but we'll be back in Scene 4 to see what you come up with.

[Cue "Giants" motif. 
 FASOLT and FAFNER exit with FREIA, slowly and ponderously.  
 Twenty minutes later, they're gone.
 Other GODS are now looking unaccountably listless and tired.]

LOGE:
    So.  
    Anyone up for a little raquetball?

[Cue "Freia's Golden Apples" motif.]

WOTAN:
    Not me.  I haven't had my Apple yet today and... 
    oh... 
    shit.

LOGE:
    Problem?

WOTAN:
    Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

LOGE:
    Well I don't know.
    It seemed like a pretty brilliant plan to me.

[WOTAN repeatedly pounds his head on a rock]

LOGE:
    I mean, who cares if your youth, immortality, 
    and, hence, your continued existence 
    depend on regular consumption of Certain Magic Apples
    that only a Certain Person knows how to grow and harvest.

[Cue "Freia's Golden Apples" motif.]

LOGE:
    So it's perfectly sensible to me that you would
    trade that Certain Person away
    in order to secure a piece of real estate 
    that you'll then be able to enjoy 
    for maybe a whole week
    before you all do the Shangri-La Thing
    and expire in a cloud of rotting flesh
    or something.

WOTAN [thinking hard]:
    Um um um um...

[Cue "Freia's Golden Apples" motif.]

WOTAN [to orchestra]:
    You are really starting to piss me off now.

LOGE:
    So, Einstein, what's it going to be?

WOTAN:
    Wealth redistribution it is, I guess.

[LOGE and WOTAN exit into a hole in the ground.  
Lights dim and the orchestra gets to play around a bit more, 
this time giving us the "Yay Rhinegold" motif
mutating into "The Power of the Ring" motif 
and introducing the "Niebelung" theme song
as we descend into ...]

Scene 3

[The mines of Niebelheim.
 MIME is having his annual performance review.
 In the background, other NIEBELUNGS (dwarves) are toiling away.]

ALBERICH:
    We ran the model and your overall score
    turns out to be 3.0 or "Meeting Expectations".
    Not enough for a raise or stock options,
    or even a bonus, really,
    but it does exempt you from being whipped to 
    within an inch of your worthless life.

MIME:
    What?  That Tarnhelm was a freakin' miracle, 
    Finished on time and under budget.
    You didn't even think it could be done.

ALBERICH:
    You're my brother, so I have high expectations.

MIME:
    I think I shall be filing a complaint.

ALBERICH:
    All right.
    [puts on "Director of Dwarf Resources" hat]
    What seems to be the problem, then?

MIME:
    My supervisor is a douchebag.

ALBERICH:
    Your supervisor, if I remember correctly,
    [plays with shiny ring on his finger]
    has a Ring of Unlimited Douchebaggery +5.

[ALBERICH takes off his "Director of Dwarf Resources" hat.]

MIME:
    That's it?

ALBERICH:
    Resolved:  by design.
    Sucks to be you, I guess.  [raises whip]

MIME:
    Wait.  You said ...

ALBERICH:
    Yeah, but,... +5, see?
    [holds up ring finger]

[ALBERICH chases MIME off stage with the whip, then returns]

ALBERICH:
    Okay everybody, ship date's been moved up.
    It's gonna be tight but I know the passion you all have for this work,
    and how challenges like this are what you live for.
    Later today, as a morale event just to show I'm serious,
    we'll have Ballmer out here to do some cartwheels.

[NIEBELUNGS run away screaming]

WOTAN:
    Hello, there.

ALBERICH:
    Oh good.  Uninvited guests.  

    And of course I can't send you away 
    because then you turn out to be friggin Wotan Himself In Disguise, 
    and then I spend the rest of eternity up to my waist in steaming crap

LOGE:
    Wrong mythology.
    Though, we do have the hospitality meme,
    which is common to a large number of cultures.

ALBERICH:
    And, after all, only a complete douchebag 
    would turn away weary travelers seeking shelter.

    Then again [looks at Ring]... 

WOTAN:
    As it happens, I'm not doing the Traveling Vagabond schtick today.
    Maybe later, though.

LOGE:
    It's just me, your old friend, the Fire God, 
    dropping by to see how you're doing.

ALBERICH:
    Yeah, right.

LOGE:
    So that's a nice toy you got there.  
    You're really planning on ruling the world with it?

ALBERICH:
    Eventually.  Seems to do just fine for ruling Niebelheim.  
    It was marketed as a scalable solution; we'll just have to see.
    For now I thought I'd try amassing some capital.
    Figure I'll be getting around to you folks sometime next week.

LOGE:
    And you're not worried about 
    random bozos clubbing you on the head while you sleep
    and taking the ring away?

ALBERICH:
    That's what the Tarnhelm is for.

LOGE:
    Tarnhelm?

ALBERICH:
    German for "Magic Helmet".
    [holds up this golden washcloth thing]

LOGE:
    Hm.  So what's it do?

ALBERICH:
    It lets me change my shape. 
    With this thing on, aforementioned random bozos have to deal with 
    a big, badass dragon rather than a small, cranky dwarf.
    Much more of a challenge, I'd say.

LOGE:
    And this really works?

ALBERICH:
    Demo time!

[Cue "Oooo That Tarnhelm is Sooo Mysterious" motif.
 ALBERICH puts Tarnhelm on head and disappears.  
 Cue "Big, Badass Dragon" motif.
 PARTY SNAKE appears.]

PARTY SNAKE:
    Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!

WOTAN [to LOGE]:
    That's supposed to be a big, badass dragon?

LOGE [to WOTAN]:
    Humor him.
    They blew the budget on the other dragon for Siegried 
    so this'll have to do.

WOTAN:
    Oh!  Oh!  Please don't hurt me.  
    Do it to Julia!  Do it to Julia!

ALBERICH [reappearing]:
    Does that kick ass or what?    

LOGE:
    Sweet.  
    However, we often find it very useful to be able to change into
    small things that can be easily stepped on.

ALBERICH:
    No problemo.

[Cue "Oooo That Tarnhelm is Sooo Mysterious" motif.
 ALBERICH puts Tarnhelm on head and disappears.  
 Cue "Kermit" motif.  
 Small and easily stepped-on FROG appears.]

FROG:
    Croak.

LOGE [stepping on FROG]:
    Well, useful for me, anyway.

ALBERICH [reappearing as LOGE grabs Tarnhelm]:
    D'oh!

[ALBERICH pounds forehead on ground as 
 LOGE and WOTAN tie him up and drag him off stage.
 Lights dim and we now get all of the preceding scene-change themes 
 in reverse order to give the impression that we're going up again, 
 which we are...]

Scene 4

[Hillside.  Again.  
 WOTAN and LOGE drag ALBERICH out of a hole in the ground.]

ALBERICH:
    Note to self:  No frogs next time.

WOTAN:
    Good afternoon.  My name is Wotan.
    I will be your Ransom Coordinator for today.

ALBERICH:
    So I should just summon up all of my liquid assets 
    onto the hillside here?

WOTAN:
    Works for me.

ALBERICH:
    All right.

[ALBERICH concentrates.  
 Cue "Power of the Ring" motif.
 NIEBELUNGS come out of the hole carrying bags of generic treasure
 Twenty minutes later there's a huge pile of generic treasure and 
 lots of NIEBELUNGS milling around.]

ALBERICH:
    You know, this is rather bad form, 
    letting low-level employees see 
    members of the executive board in chains.

WOTAN:
    Perhaps, but I don't believe that's your biggest problem right now.

ALBERICH:
    At least I can still make them run away screaming.

[ALBERICH concentrates.  
 Cue "Power of the Ring" motif.
 NIEBELUNGS run away screaming.]

ALBERICH:
    So, see anything you like?

WOTAN:
    Yes.  Everything.

ALBERICH:
    I suppose I was expecting that.
    Does everything include the Tarnhelm?

WOTAN:
    We already have the Tarnhelm.

ALBERICH:
    Well no, you just kind of grabbed that away from me.

WOTAN:
    And?

ALBERICH:
    Wait, you're saying it's yours just because you're holding it?

WOTAN:
    Works for me.

ALBERICH:
    By that logic, the pile of generic treasure over there 
    is also already yours.

WOTAN:
    Works for me.

ALBERICH:
    Which then means, all I really have at the moment are
    the clothes on my back and the Ring.
    Which, I suppose, is really all I need. 
    But, still, there's kind of this principle here...
 
WOTAN:
    Which would be what, exactly?

ALBERICH:
    Hm.  I think I'm getting a sense of how this is going to go.

WOTAN:
    We might want the Ring, too.

ALBERICH:
    Now, that would ruin my day.

[Cue "Alberich is Having a Bad Day" motif.]

ALBERICH:
    I don't suppose we could do something about that orchestra.

WOTAN:
    You'll have to get in line for that.

ALBERICH:
    Seriously, though, you do not want this Ring.

WOTAN:
    I'd have to be about seven different kinds of stupid 
    in order to let you keep it.

ALBERICH:
    But it's mine.  
    I had to recompile the Linux kernel and everything!

WOTAN:
    Sucker.  Everybody recompiles the Linux kernel.

ALBERICH:
    Well, buh.

[LOGE takes Ring, gives it to WOTAN.]

LOGE:
    So we're done here, then?

WOTAN:
    Looks that way.

LOGE [to ALBERICH]
    One thing I was wondering about:
    If you can make them run away screaming, 
    couldn't you also have made them, say, 
    run forward and attack?

    I mean, even if they've only got their bare hands,
    there's only about a hundred thousand of them,
    and not one of them is more than about five years old,
    it seems like that would still generate massive confusion
    during which you could get somebody to untie you, 
    and then you'd be home free.

ALBERICH:
    What?  
    D'oh!

LOGE:
    Something else to remember for next time, I guess.

[LOGE unties ALBERICH.]

ALBERICH:
    You all suck.  You know that, right?

    Oh, and by the way, 
    if it should happen that 
    the Ring inflames everyone's jealousy to the point where
    no one who gets his hands on it from now on
    (other from me, that is)
    will ever know a moment's peace 
    or escape the violent, messy death that awaits him,
    well,...
    I don't want anyone to come crying to me about it.

    Just thought I'd let you know.

    [Cue the "Holy Shit, It's Alberich's Curse!" motif.]

    Have a nice life, y'all.
    [exits down through the hole.]
    
WOTAN:
    Wait.  
    That sounded an awful lot like a curse.

[Replay "Holy Shit, It's Alberich's Curse!" motif a few steps lower.]

WOTAN:
    Does he really get to do that?

LOGE:
    Now that I think about it, I do vaguely recall
    linuxdocs.org having a Curse HOW-TO.

WOTAN:
    Those bastards!
    [looks at Spear]
    I think maybe it's time for more stuff on here
    about algorithm patents and reverse engineering.

[Enter FRICKA, DONNER, FROH.]

WOTAN:
    Hey everybody, we're back.
    Check out my new Ring of Unlimited Douchebaggery +5.
    
FRICKA:
    Took you long enough.  [touches Ring]  Oooo, shiny.

[DONNER and FROH come over to examine Ring.]

LOGE:
    Sure, let's just spread that curse around, shall we?

FRICKA:
    What?

LOGE:
    Nothing.

[Cue "Giant" motif, followed by twenty minutes 
 of FASOLT and FAFNER marching in with FREIA.]

FASOLT:
    So I had this neat idea:
    [Plants two staves in front of FREIA]
    If you can pile up enough treasure to 
    obscure my view of Freia, that'll be our price.

WOTAN:
    What a stupid, inconvenient, and hard-to-stage idea!

FASOLT:
    But it's symbolic, see.
    And since I'm holding all of the cards here,...

WOTAN:
    All right; it's a deal.

[Cue the "Sanctity of Contracts" motif.
 DONNER, FROH, WOTAN, and LOGE pile stuff up between FREIA and FASOLT.
 Coincidentally, they manage to use up exactly all of 
 the generic treasure to fill a FREIA-height space. 
 You knew this was going to happen.]

LOGE:
    Wow.  What are the odds of that, do you suppose?

WOTAN:
    I dunno, you're the math guy.

FASOLT:
    Hey, there's a chink through which I can still see a bit of her hair!

WOTAN:
    We're out of treasure.

FAFNER:
    No, you're not.

[LOGE looks at the Tarnhelm he's holding, look at WOTAN's Ring,
 counts on his fingers from one to two.]

LOGE:
    Going out on a limb here,
    [places the Tarnhelm on the pile]
    I predict there will be another chink.

WOTAN:
    You know, I sort of wanted to keep that, actually.
    Shape changing could be awfully useful.

LOGE:
    Too bad, eh?

FASOLT [squinting]:
    Hey, there's a chink through which I can still see her eyes!

LOGE:
    Well, hal-a-fuckin-lujah!  What do I win?

WOTAN:
    Wait, so...

FAFNER:
    Ring.  On the pile.  Now.

WOTAN:
    No.  I think I have to draw the line here.

FASOLT:
    All right, Freia it is, then.

FRICKA [to WOTAN]:
    Dear?  What are you doing?

WOTAN [holding up Ring]:
    I need to keep this so that I can rule the world.

FRICKA:
    But you already rule the world.
    And they're going to take Freia.
    
WOTAN:
    Who?

FRICKA:
    You are such a douchebag.

WOTAN:
    It's Douchebag +5!  I need that.

[DONNER, FROH, and FRICKA all yell at WOTAN 
 while FAFNER and FASOLT prepare to drag FREIA off again.
 Cue Really Low Trombone and "Erda" motif.]

ERDA [popping up out of her dress the ground.]:
    Excuse me, but, um,...
    Bad Idea.

WOTAN:
    What?  Heyyyy... [drool] 
    Have we met?

ERDA:
    Erda, Standard-issue Earth Goddess,
    mother of the Norns who weave the webs of Fate.
    Our family is all pretty good at spotting trends and forecasting.
    We have an investment newsletter you might want to subscribe to.

    It also happens that I've read every Linux HOW-TO ever written
    including the Curse HOW-TO and all of the more advanced 
    ones about when and how you can get out of curses, 
    and I just wanted to say 
    this is some nasty, nasty shit you're playing with.

    So,... um... if you keep the Ring?  
    Well,...

    [Cue "The Gods are Toast" motif.]

    Just Bad Idea.  
    Trust me on this.
    Even the orchestra agrees.

[Orchestra breaks into a medley of "Erda" and "The Gods are Toast" 
 two themes that just happen to go well together.]

WOTAN:
    So I should be giving up the DDD-cup Ring then?

ERDA:
    You got it, champ.  Bye, now.  [skin sinks back into the ground]

WOTAN:
    Wait, can I get a number, or email, or something?
    Damn, she is hot.

FRICKA:
    Ahem.

WOTAN:
    Sorry, but I need to stuff, I mean fuck learn stuff from her, 
    since she, like, knows stuff, ... and stuff.

FRICKA:
    See?  You don't need the +5.  Really.

WOTAN:
    Oh, all right.  

[WOTAN drops ring on pile.  FAFNER and FASOLT hi-five each other.
 They release FREIA who then runs around passing out Apples.]

FASOLT:
    Pleasure doing business with you.
    [finishes packing treasure onto cart; picks up the Ring.]

FAFNER [to FASOLT]:
    Hello.  I was thinking I can have that.

FASOLT [to FAFNER]:
    Uh,... No?

[FAFNER raises his staff and immediately
 beats FASOLT into a bloody, wet smear on the ground.]

FAFNER:
    Oops.  [picks up ring]  
    Evidently, I was correct.  And, for future reference,
    a better answer would have been, "Yes," 
    though I guess that's kind of a moot point now.
    [exits with cart.]

[Cue "Holy Shit, It's Alberich's Curse!" motif.]

LOGE:
    Now that is a professional quality curse.

[GODS stand around FASOLT's corpse
 looking completely at a loss for words.]

LOGE:
    My, what large weather we're having!

FROH:
    Now that you mention it,
    it is awfully gloomy and misty today.
    [nudges DONNER]

DONNER:
    What?  Oh, right.
    Perhaps it might be time to clear the air.

WOTAN:
    What?

DONNER:
    I said, perhaps it might be time to clear the air.

WOTAN:
    Oh.  Oh, yeah.  Sure.  Whatever.
    May as well give the audience another motif to learn.

[Cue "Storm" a.k.a. "Everything Is A Nail" motif.]

DONNER [raises Hammer]:
    At last!  My big moment!  (Heda!  Heda hedo!)
    Bring in the clouds!
    I'm pounding this rock!
    It's hammerin' time!

    [Cue French horns #1 thru #63]

    We hired some horns!
    Extra horns!
    Here they are now!
    Isn't this wow?!!

[Cue French horns #64 thru #511.
 Cue Wagner Tubas Especially Invented For This Sequence.
 Cue rest of Orchestra for a massive crescendo on top of that.
 DONNER swings Hammer.  
 Strobe fires.
 Wind machine, timpani and bass drum all go completely nuts.
 10kT nuclear device at the bottom of Lake Washington 
 detonates to achieve proper subsonic rumble effect
 as called for in Wagner's original score,
 written before the King of Bavaria cut off 
 his share of Bayreuth funding
 on fears that performance of this work
 might be construed by Austria as an act of war.]

FROH [raises Nozzle]:
    Yay, my turn!  Water on!

LOGE [to WOTAN]:
    I don't get it.
    Why are we making such a big production
    out of a stupid thunderstorm?

WOTAN:
    Shut up.
    It's the only thing they get to do in the whole cycle.
    Let them have their fun.

[It is, of course, impossible to hear anything 
 over the orchestra and special effects
 until we get to the Rainbow motif,
 which plays as the Rainbow Bridge to Valhalla
 appears in the fine mist generated by Froh's nozzle,

 which is necessarily less exciting and less manly 
 than the preceding thunderstorm, 
 but there you have it.]

FROH:
    Hey!

[Sorry.  Anyway, cue Valhalla motif as Valhalla becomes visible.]

LOGE [to WOTAN]:
    You're not worried about 
    what Fafner might do with the Ring?

WOTAN:
    I think I have an idea.

[Cue the "Sword" motif.]

LOGE:
    I don't recognize that motif.

WOTAN:
    Next opera.

[Music scales back to uncover Rhine theme as RHINEMAIDENS
 swimming in the Rhine far below become audible.]

RHINEMAIDENS [chorus]:
    We miss you Rhinegold!
    Oh yes we do!
    It's Rather Dark here now!
    We are Not Happy!

WOTAN:
    That is going to be really annoying if they keep it up.
    [to LOGE]
    Can you do anything?

LOGE:
    And when exactly did I become Wotan's Personal Errand Boy?
    Oh, well.  Here goes:

    [to RHINEMAIDENS]
    Hey girls!  Not to worry!
    You've got Wotan and Valhalla
    to light up your lives now!

RHINEMAIDENS [chorus]:
    We miss you Rhinegold!
    Oh yes we do!
    Douchebag Gods are no substitute.
    Especially the ones 
    whose names begin with L
    who promised to help us
    and are now blowing us off.
    You all suck and
    We are still Not Happy!

LOGE:
    Right.  We all suck, then.
    Actually I might agree with that.
    In fact, I'm now distinctly looking forward to Opera #4
    in which I get to do something about it.

AUDIENCE:
    Hey!  Spoiler warnings, doofus!

LOGE:
    It's foreshadowing, you twits.

[WOTAN, FRICKA, DONNER, FREIA and LOGE head out onto the bridge.
 and cross over to Valhalla.

 FROH, still holding the Nozzle, now realizes that he has a problem.

 Of course, if we're really going to be physically rigorous about this,
 it's not like one can really walk on a rainbow anyway,
 or, more precisely, that if one is indeed sufficiently god-like so as 
 to be able to walk on a rainbow, one could just as easily
 walk on the air and skip having the rainbow entirely.

 All of which just goes to underscore the utter lameness 
 of the notion of a Rainbow God in the first place.  
 Fortunately, he plays no further role in this story.]

FROH:
    Hey!

[Sorry.  Curtain.]


Continued here.

Copyright © 2005, wrog, you know the drill. Some jokes stolen from emmacrew

Comments 
4th-Sep-2005 01:31 pm (UTC)
dude.
4th-Sep-2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Cue "Doubled over with Hysterical Laughter Theme"
4th-Sep-2005 04:58 pm (UTC)
Well and truly brilliant.
4th-Sep-2005 06:11 pm (UTC)
You are absolutely my hero. I swoon with your greatness. And I am still giggling.
6th-Sep-2005 08:22 am (UTC)
I've never even seen the operas, and that was pretty dern funy.
(Deleted comment)
6th-Sep-2005 06:56 pm (UTC)
so you're going to do the rest of them, yes?

I am currently laughing so hard tears are streamind down my cheeks, and my housemates are wondering WTF.
6th-Sep-2005 10:11 pm (UTC)
so you're going to do the rest of them, yes?
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

(translation: we'll see.)

yeah I know, if I had any sense I'd have waited until I had all something for all 4 of them but,...
6th-Sep-2005 08:42 pm (UTC)
ROFL! So, when do we get the rest of the Ring?
6th-Sep-2005 10:18 pm (UTC)
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee2

--
2response to elynne
6th-Sep-2005 09:34 pm (UTC)
I love days when clicking about takes you somewhere so interesting -- a fantastic take on Wagner. Thanks.
I wish that I could take a brief trip back in time to when I, in a moment of craziness, took a graduate seminar dedicated only to the Ring cycle.
6th-Sep-2005 10:21 pm (UTC)
I also took a graduate seminar dedicated only to the Ring cycle. And a few years before that, an undergrad class etc. And am also a musicology PhD dropout. Aaaand a knitter. I switched over to oboe from clarinet in high school, though.

Given all that, why haven't we met before? :-)
6th-Sep-2005 11:11 pm (UTC) - oboe eh? well, we can't all be perfect ;)
I'm not sure why we haven't met, but would like to get to know you a bit better :)

I'm amused that it's Wagner of all composers who is the catalyst for introducing me to new people today...you'd think it would be one of the better adjusted, cheerier ones who would bridge the gap and all that.
24th-Mar-2008 09:56 pm (UTC) - well done
Anonymous
thank you, bro
21st-Feb-2012 02:56 am (UTC) - Re: Благодарю за инфу
Добро пожаловать, я думаю?
К сожалению, я не знаю русского языка. Это хорошо, что мы Переводчик Google.
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